Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Attends Own Funeral Services

Letter to the Editor and Open Invitation to the People of Hamilton County
May 16th, 1904

Dear Fellow Residents,

I, Stephan R. Patten, am a great man. As a founding father of Valier, Illinois, I have paved the way for commerce and industry and to have bestowed upon our society a place on the map. I, as the rest of the community will be agreement, will be sorrowed at my passing for a number of reasons which I will now state. I am renowned in Valier as a charitable gentleman blessed with the fortune to advance this community in the ways of business and education. I have made contributions to those less fortunate townspeople in order for their sons to attend the nearby universities in St. Louis and Carbondale. Insomuch as these students recognize my kindness and generosity, they return to Valier to try their own hand at business and oft start fledgling factories, and while none have been as successful as I, it furthers the opinion of this town of outsiders to be the foremost community that traveling politicians and businessmen seek out on their journeys between Chicago and Memphis.

As older generation and my peers may be aware, the Lord has chosen not to bless me with any sons to carry on the family name and business, unless you count young Stephan, who we had to lay to rest at the fragile age of two in our modest family plot that has providence to be otherwise barren. However, my wife and five daughters shall inherit my wealth and I mistrust their decorum to demonstrate dignified taste in such matters as burial as not to squander hundreds dollars on unnecessary grandiosity such as gilded casket handles and opulent flower arrangements.

As any great man should have it, my death ceremonies should take place in a venerable and noble manner. Considering this factor, I shall be extending my eightieth birthday celebration to honor my death. In this manner, I will be privy to the good, kind things the people of this town have to say about the prestige I have bestowed upon this town. The ceremony will be restricted to family members only, however every townsperson is invited to festivities immediately following provided they bring a covered dish to share and be prepared to impart a short speech about the effectiveness of my generosity and demeanor upon their life.


Forever yours in life and death,
Stephan R. Patten

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